Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
