guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
