I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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