my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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