you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
