Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
