I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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