can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
