Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
