He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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