Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Drunk is a universal language darling
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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