from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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