I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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