Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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