If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
