Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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