what day is it and did you see me today?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
