Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
