after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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