I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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