This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
