omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
