He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
