I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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