thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
