I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
