i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
