I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
