I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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