I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
