Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
