I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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