apparently the secret to your success is patron
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
