i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
