That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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