how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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