is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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