Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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