I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
