I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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