so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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