when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
