Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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