There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
