My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
