The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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