hotel room ftw
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
