I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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