just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
