she was so not down for the gang bang
i just had sex bonerless
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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